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How am I to know?

April 24, 2008

So there’s a situation that I may have alluded to once, but have been fairly silent about since then.

This is due to a few reasons. 1) I’ve been blogging less often in general lately. Busy busy busy, you know! 2) I don’t really know what’s going on. 3) Whatever is going on, I don’t want to jinx it.

Boy Drama Number Three since November.

I’m getting around this year.

Not like that, come on!

So there was “The Boy.” I was quite creative with that name, wasn’t I? Then there was Artist. I still talk to both of these boys… Artist is still a nearly every day thing. Nothing really dramatic ever happened with either one of them; the problem was my unwarranted amount of confidence in long-term situations that were never meant to be. It’s not that I didn’t have reasons for my confidence. I did. I don’t blame myself for the mistakes in judgment I made because let’s face it, how was I to know? I have just desperately wanted something to hold onto lately, and even though I didn’t go desperately looking for the situations I found myself in, and even though I don’t think I acted too desperately once I was involved, I think I was just too ready to tell myself this was the one and be done with it. Either one of those guys would have been good for me in different ways and had those relationships worked out, I can’t say I wouldn’t have been happy. I would have. But I threw myself into commitment mode long before the boys did…

Part of that was announcing to the blogosphere that Something Was Going On.

So, part of my reason for being so quiet has been my attempt to be cautious with myself. And also to save myself from having to say I’M WRONG AGAIN! Gah, I hate that most of all.

But I’m not here to tell you that I’m in another relationship. I’m not here to tell you that I’m falling in love, and he’s perfect, and we’re going to live happily ever after.

I’m here to say that he cooked me dinner, he took me to church, he cuddled up on the couch with me and we fell asleep, he held my hand while we were hanging out with one of his friends, he winked at me across the classroom when our Pop/Rock teacher played a particularly mushy song…

But I’m also here to say that I’m moving in May, he still has a year of school left, I’m moving across the country in the fall, he doesn’t know what he wants to do when he graduates yet, and that, oh yeah, he’s actually not perfect.

Not that that’s necessarily a bad thing. The fact that I realize he’s NOT perfect may make this situation all the more worth my time.

So, we are enjoying the last few weeks we have together. It’s not serious at all. There’s no title, no time commitment, no major expectation… but he is starting to say things like “Someday…” and we catch ourselves in this moment, and then he realizes what’s going on, and says, “I say that like it’s a long time from now. I guess I mean sometime in the next week or so…” I’m sad, because I feel like we might never really know what it all could have turned into.

How am I to know?

Okay. Off to write.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Michelle & the City permalink
    April 25, 2008 5:41 pm

    you never know what can happen my dear! only time will tell :)

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