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September 6, 2008

Have you listened to my new song on myspace yet? It’s called “23.” Go check it out.

Even if you haven’t heard it, Audio Geek has.

What? you exclaim. I thought this nonsense was over!

Well… yeah… but yesterday was his birthday.

And you have to know, I find it very hard to just let go of people. Especially people I was so close to. My high school ex-boyfriend had a birthday at the end of August, and I called him to say happy birthday. Sure, I don’t even consider him an ex anymore- we’re just friends who happen to have dated each other. Obviously the situation is different, but at one time it wasn’t, and we had to get there somehow, right? We got there because, well, I don’t let go of people. I’m completely willing to move on, but I can’t move on alone.

I thought I’d have to this time, I really did. And maybe I’ll still be moving on alone for awhile. But I put a birthday card in the mail a few days ago (the one I spent 2.5 hours making, didn’t want to look at anymore but didn’t have the heart to throw away, so I just sent it with a note that said, “I hope you can appreciate this for what it is.”) and I didn’t honestly expect to hear anything back. The last few attempts at communication I made had been blatantly ignored (not that I tried too hard. Or made it seem like I really wanted an answer. But I didn’t make it seem that way this time either). He didn’t call or anything- but he did text to say thank you. And considering it was more than I honestly expected, I took the bait and answered, saying “you’re welcome, and happy birthday.”

And then he informed me he was listening to the song.

Of course I put the song up knowing he could hear it and kind of wanting him to. However, I didn’t expect to have a conversation about it… and I was nervous, because here he was, being a decent human being, and there was that song playing at the exact same time.

And if you still haven’t listened to it, let me just fill you in on something:
Not only do I let on that I know he’s currently “in a relationship” (what? I didn’t mention that before? ha.) but I flat out accuse him of not loving her. Point blank, “maybe you really love her, but I don’t think you do, so maybe we should just go and tell each other the truth.”

And what did he say? He thought it was clever that I fit “happy birthday” into a song. No mention of the other-girl-ness at all.

Of course, this all happened by text, so inflection and insinuation were all lost on me. Maybe he was actually pissed or irritated…

I told him that I kind of ripped off the idea to use “happy birthday” and he replied that he thought that was funny….

and then I didn’t know what else to say. The conversation ended there.

It was nice to hear from him. It was nice to know that this weird barrier between us has been broken. And I certainly don’t want to forget he ever existed, and move completely on with my life, not knowing where he is or what he’s doing. That’s not how things with me work. I care about him, I’ll always want to know those things. But right now, I still don’t have much desire to call him up to chat.

Maybe someday in the next few months when I’m in town visiting other friends we’ll run into each other and we can just catch up and make small talk like old friends do. Maybe we can start talking more often from there.

Until then,
“I could stand on my head quoting Shakespeare.
I’d be here and he’d be there.“*

And we’ll leave it like that.

*more kevin steinman lyrics.

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