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To No Regrets

October 17, 2008

I guess I just have this much to say about this post:

For a couple of years, I would date this guy or that for a brief amount of time and then look back on it mere weeks or even days later and think, “huh? what on earth was I thinking?”

Not only did I talk to the Eagle Scout tonight, I mentioned yesterday talking to Audio Geek, Fiddler, and Artist in the last few days. Those are the four most recent important men in my life… all very brief things, but all very meaningful. I have to tell you, while it’s a little disappointing in a way, it’s still a beautiful thing to talk to each of these guys and think when I’m done, “Yeah, I definitely know what I saw in him.”

Sometimes you get so caught up in what’s happening that you don’t take time to sit down and think it out. You can’t slow down, you don’t want to, and everything around you spins so quickly that the world blurs and all you can see is the one person standing in front of you. For me, things always slow down, we’re always too dizzy, we always fall down. But as all of that happens, I realize that sometimes my best judgment could certainly fall to the wayside.

But I think I’m getting better at this dating thing– or maybe I just got lucky for awhile. Because I’ve got four friends who make me feel great when they call– they bring back these memories, the way things were, the reasons I fell for them in the first place. They each make me feel like these superhero versions of myself, in a slightly different way– but talking to them makes me feel that way again. There was something in each of them that I saw, that drew me to them, and them to me…

I felt especially that way last night with Audio Geek, and again tonight with Eagle Scout. Honestly, I could still see myself ending up with either one of those boys. It’s just too bad life has to be so complicated, isn’t it?

Someday I’ll find him for real. Until then, these boys will be my lifelines. They’ll remind me that good guys do exist, that laughing on the phone with an old friend is the best pick-me-up in existence, and that believing in love isn’t a fool’s game. Not at all.

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