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Another Night on the Town

November 7, 2008

It is officially 16 minutes past midnight which means if I were officially participating in NaBloPoMo I would lose. I like Kathy’s rules, though. I haven’t been to bed yet, so it still counts as today. So, onward.

I spent tonight with Actor. I was a little worried about how the night would pan out, considering the fact that I kind of bailed on him last week… but it worked out and we certainly had fun. I walked down to the Nicollet Mall, and sitting in the lobby of a certain building with a huge fountain drowning out the sound of the clicking heels and chattering voices bustling through, sitting on a little white bench, reading a book while I waited for him… brought back memores of my American Idol day. That’s another story, though.

We walked back to his place briefly, discussed whether or not it was nice enough to pay a visit to the roof to concoct some delicious martinis (it was not, and sadly, probably won’t be again before I go) and ultimately decided to walk downtown to find some food and see a movie. We got so caught up in talking during dinner that we nearly forgot about the movie– when we finally reached the ticket counter, which was actually in the same building, we realized the only thing that started even relatively soon was the movie we’d seen two weeks ago, so we opted to head down the street to grab a couple of beers first, and continued the conversation.

For as immature as Actor has been in the (oh my goodness we just realized this tonight) FIVE years since I’ve known him, he has always known what he believed in, what he stood for. He’s always displayed his intelligence with style, has always been well informed, and has never been one to shove what he knows or what he thinks he knows down your throat. He has never been afraid to make mistakes, and he’s made some big ones, but he’s also smart enough to learn from them.

And the thing is, I considered myself a fairly mature person for my age for quite a long time. I knew how to handle myself, how to stay out of trouble, whatever. But that was really just being sheltered, it was naivete, fear of taking chances. I was a good kid, really, but when it came down to it, I didn’t know what I believed in, and mostly I didn’t care what I believed in. I knew what I’d been taught, and I’d figured little things out here and there along the way, but for the most part, I was still waiting around for someone to educate me. I’m not sorry for that at all, because I’ve grown out of much of it and am proud of the person I am today.

But for all he seemed to do wrong, Actor seemed to have that right.

Tonight, we were having real discussions about the events of the last week (and oh, friends, he’s totally on my side here… actually, he’s even more conservative than I am, if you want to know the truth), among other things– things we’ve talked about in the past, but I never had much to say about. Tonight, though, I did have something to say. It felt good, because I could see how far I’ve come in the past five years. I’ve come a long way.

But you know what? He’s come a long way, too. I was drawn to him from the first moment I saw him, though I could never quite explain why (he had these brown curls which, at the time, I thought were just to die for, but looking back at those photos now, I much prefer the shorter locks… but other than that…) He is NOT the same person I spent my first two years of college with, and I like this person infinitely better.

For many reasons, some which I’m sure neither of us could begin to articulate, we have an enormous affection for one another. We sat in the movie theater tonight, leaning into each other, and every time one of us moved just a little, I started to feel cold. It’s not that I wanted more, but I certainly didn’t want less. I wanted to stay just like that.

I am no longer interested in being heart sick. I no longer fall into unrequited love. I’ve outgrown silly crushes (excluding my celebrity crushes but those are crushes from afar, you know). I don’t try to change people or convince them of something they can’t believe in or haven’t been inspired to believe just yet.

He told me tonight that he doesn’t get how anyone can choose to spend the rest of their life with one person– and that it wasn’t the “one person” part that bothered him, but knowing which ONE person was the right one. Obviously I had no answer for him, because I’ve never even come close to knowing… but I told him that I always just figured I’d know, and that I thought he’d come to a point in his life where he’d know too.

I have no plan whatsoever of pursuing anything with Actor beyond the friendship that is once again blossoming into something beautiful. But, there was a time when we never could have worked together, and I do honestly think that time has passed. I think (and ain’t that always the way?) if the situation were a bit different, I could be the one to make him believe there is a one. He’s not ready to see it now… but he could be, if he let himself.

And like I said, I’m not in the business of changing people–he’d have to do that part himself, which (among other obvious reasons) is why I really can’t pursue this whispering in my heart saying, “This is working…”

But if he decided to really acknowledge the fact that it is working, to himself and then to me…

I’d acknowledge it right back.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Hazel permalink
    November 7, 2008 2:56 pm

    Isn’t it fun to have those feelings though? To realize that you still like a person 5 years later and maybe even more than you did back then. That happened with Bry and I; once we had matured and grown up, we really liked each other. A lot more than we did the first time around. But, if I’ve learned one thing from my situation with Bry, is that people can change, but they don’t like to. And they won’t if they don’t have to. That was really hard to realize and is part of the reason we had to end thing.

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