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Play it Cool….

February 1, 2009

Long term relationship? What’s that?

Recently I was tagged for the “25 Things” meme on Facebook, and while I’m usually not a huge meme fan, especially when it comes to facebook, I decided to take that particular bait because it gave me a chance to tag some of the people I hadn’t talked to in ages and basically tell them that hey! I have a blog, in case you haven’t noticed! Come catch up! Chill out with me on my little piece of internet real estate! It’s lovely, promise.

I think a few of them have stopped by. Say hi in the comments, friends! You’re very welcome here!

But one of the things I wrote in that particular “post,” I think, deserves a little more attention.

4. The longest relationship I’ve ever been in happened in high school, and even that was a short relationship by most people’s standards. I have many theories as to why this may be, but have come to no real conclusions.

Why that particular relationship managed to last the longest? I have no idea. Why the rest of them couldn’t seem to last longer than a month or two? If you bore easily, get out now. This could be awhile.

First of all, that first relationship left me more than a little screwed up. Before him, I had dreams and expectations of what romance might be like, but with him, I didn’t really get much romance at all. To be fair, we dated twice and the second time around he was a much better boyfriend, but as a whole, the situation never did wonderful things for my self-esteem or my social adjustment. Still, when it was over, I was determined to be over it and move on.

And I was, and I did.

Only the next guy screwed me up even worse, and it only took one night to do it. Thanks, Actor. Love you.

From there on out it was an endless series of loving boys who’d never love me back, probably because I was too afraid to be “loved,” and after tiring of being lonely for so long, I’d end up with the first guy who looked at me sideways. It was an endless string of “am I allowed to say no?” “don’t pay so much attention to me,” and “why aren’t you paying attention to me?” I was recklessly in love with my first boyfriend, and that ended for good my junior year of high school. Until my senior year of college, I was not with another person I actually felt genuine affection for. I honestly started to think maybe I’d never fall in love again, until Eagle Scout came along. He was the start of the change.

But of course, some of this was because I was a little screwed up, not mature enough to be dealing with the things I was dealing with… but I think a part of me was also sabotaging any chance I might have had at a relationship because I was not interested in being tied down. The romantic side of me wanted the husband and the house and the babies, and wanted it all as soon as I was done with college. The 8 year old dreamer in me, which by the way, still has the biggest and loudest voice of any of the other voices in my head, wanted nothing to hold me down. I didn’t need a reason to get stuck in Bismarck, or in Fargo, or in Minneapolis. Hell, no. Love or not, I was going to Tennessee, and I wasn’t going to ask anybody to follow me there.

I was restless.

I’m still restless.

So now I suppose that since I’ve grown up, grown into my own skin, really come to know who I am, and on top of all that, have made it to Tennessee, things should improve, right? Meeting the right guy? Cake. That’s what it should be. A piece of cake. Piece of crumb cake.

Well, we’ll see.

I have a tendency to be honest.
Really honest about how I’m feeling.

I don’t always say it directly, though it does usually come to that eventually…
but I definitely make no effort to hide my emotions.

Because of all that other stuff, I never really learned to play “the game.” I never learned the rules because if I’d followed them, good lord, I might have actually ended up with somebody I’d cared about enough to nail myself down in the north forever.

Also, maybe it’s because I have no self-control, but I like to think I just insist on being myself.

I can’t play it cool, and quite honestly, I don’t want to.
I don’t want to play hard to get.
I don’t want to wait three days until our next phone call.
I don’t always want to have to wait for him to make the plans.

I’m afraid it comes off as desperate.
Maybe even emotionally unstable.
Who knows.

All it is, really, is seeking to deepen this connection I feel.
The kind of connection that for so long, I was incapable of feeling.
And I’m not about to hide under some sort of pretense or socially acceptable way of doing things. That’s not me.

I have to wear my heart on my sleeve.

And if you encourage me, you’d better believe I’m coming back for more.

I’m not crazy, but sometimes I feel like I am because I feel like I’m deliberately breaking every rule The Dating Gods have set down upon mankind.

When I start to feel crazy, I start to get crazy.

And well, yeah.
I’m pretty sure that scares the beautiful gentlemen callers away.

So, to recap.

I haven’t been able to keep myself in a relationship because:

1) I used to have self esteem issues.
2) I didn’t need a reason to get stuck in the north.
3) I’m too damn honest, which is likely kind of frightening to the male species.

The first two are not issues anymore, at least not to a really relevant extent.
The third? Well, I don’t think it’s going to change. I have a feeling if the next guy can just get through that transition period where I’ve just got to his hear his voice today, forget the fact that I heard it yesterday, he’ll find me to be a calm, low-maintenance girl to have around.

He’s just gotta get me there first.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. bigskygirl permalink
    February 1, 2009 6:39 am

    there are boys who can handle desperate. needy. even emotionally unstable. i promise. :) i love you!

  2. Single permalink
    February 1, 2009 4:03 pm

    yeah, that first comment says it all. some guys can handle desperate, needy and emotionally unstable. find one. in the mean time, stop stalking jason, crazy girl.

  3. Erin permalink
    February 1, 2009 6:05 pm

    Feeling crazy often makes me act crazy too. I haven’t found a solution yet.

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