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Achilles Heel

February 12, 2009

I’m in a weird place.

I don’t know how on earth I’m going to write this and keep any kind of thin veil over it at all. Still, this is the kind of thing I usually put out there on my blog either because I need to work it out by writing through it or I just need to know somebody’s listening– the only thing holding me back in this case is circumstance. But I’m a blogger. And everybody reading this understands that. So I’m going to try.

Remember this?

Turns out I am insane, and I am nursing the crush.
It’s still a baby crush, but it’s a fat baby crush, that’s for sure.
And if I could tell you that, yes, it is completely pointless, we probably wouldn’t be having this conversation.
So yeah, I stick by my original statement: Probably pointless.
But maybe not.

I have been encouraged, in this crush, from the other side (ie, I’ve been flirted with, and we’re not talking “did he smile at me? wait, is he looking this way?” we’re talking obvious. intelligible. sentences that really could have no other meaning than “I pretty much wouldn’t mind making out with you. and then some.”). However, because of circumstance, because of life, I’ve been left to wonder and be my overanalytical self about everything from “Was it just meant in jest?” to “am I becoming a psycho stalker and I don’t even know it?”. I’ve also, though, been reassured along those lines and coaxed back at least half-way to the starting point. So mixed signals though there may be, things are sorting themselves out, slowly.

I never thought I’d have even the tiny little opportunity I had. That one day was the day that changed it all. It changed my perception of him, yes, and of the situation at hand, yes, but more than that, it changed my own perception of my entire life. This wasn’t just because of him. It was because of me. It was the reason I was there in the first place, and the reason I’d have to leave. A part of me changed that day. A new part of me awakened. I was chasing in a dream and in the process, yet another dream was born.

That’s what has made it all different than before.

Still, some things are the same. I have to keep reminding myself what I already know. I have to remind myself of the patterns that have been established since this whole thing got it’s real start (at least on my end) months and months ago- that patterns are patterns for a reason and things will come back around. I have to put puzzle pieces together, I have to practice patience, I have to remember that sometimes good things come to those who will wait.

And I also need to remember that in the mean time, my life is mine to live, even if the most exciting part of living my life right now is my morning run around the block.

And I need to keep singing,

It’ll happen
It’s gonna happen babe
But it hasn’t happened yet
I’m not gonna let you get
ahead of yourself
It’s your Achilles heel
Though I want it as bad as you
We’ve gotta try to see it through
Our own excitement
Your excitement babe
Hasn’t let that happen yet
and it won’t if you forget
What happened last time…

Because even if “it” isn’t what I think “it” is,
something is bound to happen if I remember not to get ahead of myself.

But it’s my Achilles heel.

Hmm. Look at that. I managed to do it. I thought for sure I’d scrap it in the middle, but I made it through. There is more to say, but I most certainly can’t say it without revealing too much.

That doesn’t mean it won’t be completely obvious to him if he reads it,
And I guess it might even be painfully obvious to a few of you whose friendships with me branch out beyond this blog and yours…

but at least I managed tastefully, right?

One Comment leave one →
  1. kathymac permalink
    February 12, 2009 5:38 am

    Oh, man, I hear ya!

    But yes, I think you did an alright job :)

    PS…I see you added Kate1!! Yay! She’s one of my favorites :)

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