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February 15, 2009

I need a change.

My life gets really difficult to live productively if something isn’t constantly happening. Something new, different– and often. But I’m not really very good about making that happen, which in turn can lead to an existence of days at a time that melt together and slip past me like some sort of dream I can’t wait up from.

And I know what you’re thinking- Courtney, you just moved across the country. What more change could you possibly need?

I don’t know. That’s the problem. I just don’t know.

I want to be out, social, spontaneous, but don’t quite have the means to be. I want to be working, I want to be playing, I want to be outside, reading, writing, drawing, listening, dancing, sharing, happening.

I want to be traveling more than anything else in the world right now. I don’t care where to as long as I’ve got my car and a good road mix blaring through the stereo. Maybe somebody in the passenger seat to share it with me, but maybe not. Road trips are the best times to turn up the stereo and sing loud and strong without worrying a lick about what you sound like. I’d visit a new city every other day. People to meet and things to see. Man, that would be a life, wouldn’t it?

Discouragement isn’t easy to overcome. There are some things I will be able to plug away at forever, no matter how many people tell me it’s not possible. Singing and songwriting are those things.

But everything else? It’s hard to find the motivation to keep trying, even when I can feel the urgency of a situation that is just not possible if I don’t keep trying. I don’t really have a choice. But right now, I feel like I’ve lost all control over my own actions, my own being, and I can’t snap out of it.

I need to snap out of it.

Maybe what I need is a good road trip.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. AZMike permalink
    February 15, 2009 9:47 pm

    Courtney welcome to the club.

    I know how you feel, at least I am pretty sure I do.

    Your best bet is to talk to some of your older, wiser(just ask them, they’ll tell you how smart they are) friends and family. I am sure your mother or an aunt can tell you how much “regret” tastes like the worst dish you’ve ever been served.

    The one thing you have going for you is youth, no serious ties, no husband yet, no beautiful babies yet, no mortgage, no massive credit card bills. It is hard to leave any of that once you have it. I would never consider leaving my child, the wife maybe but her and the child go together.

    I grew up in a dinky lil’ spot in the midwest. Escaped to Phoenix,AZ or did I get trapped here? Life is what you make of it, from reading your posts you have a lot going for you. Now if you work on “those means” you mentioned, your road trip can start almost immediately.

    A guy I know, Michael Senoff has a website where he puts up tons and tons of audios on what people are doing and how you could use their methods for yourself. Since you don’t have much baggage to burden your road tripping with it wouldn’t take much an income to allow you to go where your heart desires. Oh that website is There is a audio there of him talking to a woman, Sherda who is sort of in your situation, Michael helps her on how to create a product. Now if you would take his ideas, mix in your ideas and create your own flavor you are bound to find something that you enjoy and others will pay for.

    Another thought is a woman I read about on twitter, Julie Perry. She’s travelled the world as a crew member aboard one of those luxury yachts, it would be great to own the yacht but until we win the lottery maybe being a crew member wouldn’t be so bad.

    I hope you find what you are looking for, it’s out there and it might be right around the corner.


    I hope you got you V’Day text.

  2. kathymac permalink
    February 15, 2009 10:58 pm

    How are we possibly this much alike?

    Three days ago, when I felt so much like I had no control over anything going on in my life, it was all I could do to keep myself from just getting on the bus to LaGuardia and getting on the first plane to somewhere that I knew someone.

    Good luck, friend. You’ll find the change you’re lookin’ for.

  3. Ashley permalink
    February 15, 2009 11:18 pm

    Seems like you have the courage to change your life when you need to. Maybe a road trip is the right idea! Couldn’t hurt, at least.

  4. Emily permalink
    February 16, 2009 2:27 am

    I used to feel like I had lost control over my life, but in a completely different way than you. Mine had to deal with hospitals and doctors and me having zero to very little say in what happened to me and my life and things like that.

  5. mary evelyn permalink
    February 16, 2009 4:12 am

    i am totally with you on road trips. as cliche as it sounds, the destination is never really the most important, it’s all about the trip, and the music, and the (in my case) awful singing :O)

    i like your post a lot, i think a lot of people in there 20’s really question if what they’re doing is what they should or are meant to be doing. at least that’s how i feel. kudos to you for living your dream :O)

  6. Just Playing Pretend permalink
    February 16, 2009 4:21 am

    Yep. I agree. Motivation, discouragement. Not two easy things to move on from. I say do your road trip. Have fun. Enjoy life. Just do it.

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