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In Body, In Spirit, In Grace

April 22, 2009

I’ve been thinking.

I haven’t had many words to share over the past few days.  They’ve just gone away. I poured everything I had into a song I really love, but afterward my brain said, “yeah, okay woman. gimme a break.”  Excepting a minor lyric rewrite on that song, I’ve obliged my poor little overworked mind.  And you know what?  It’s been okay.  I’ve been crazy happy, content, and while a reason or two shines through, I think my happiness is not of one cause but of many combined.

I spent a lot of time on facebook today.  Much more than I usually spend there in one week.  I enabled chat and was surprised to see that when I stuck around long enough, I didn’t have to say hello to one single person, and yet I sat for hours chatting with old friend after old friend about boys and summer plans and songwriting and bluegrass and the fifth grade and roasted chicken.  I love days like this- days when something simple reminds me that my life has been blessed and I know and have known some of the very best people in the world.

After another conversation tonight, I was inspired to pop into my fb inbox to find what is more or less an archive of an entire relationship I had a little more than a year ago, minus five or six phone calls and one road trip.  I found a thread of 166 messages spanning from March 11 to April 9 – one tiny little month, so many words.

I always knew I needed a letter writer, and when I found this one, it almost didn’t matter that there were too many other things that I could have never lived with in the long run.  I was on the verge of a big cross-country move anyway – deep down I knew any thought I entertained about any budding relationship working out was nothing more than wishful thinking, so for the sake of reading those golden spun words every day, I spun the words right back.

It turned out that the both of us were so good at spinning words that we were telling tales that weren’t entirely true, yet we had ourselves convinced.  He figured it out before I did, though.  That’s usually how it works with me.

Looking back, I can be nothing but thankful that silliness never worked out, but I am so grateful that what happened happened.  He introduced me to new music, new ways of thinking about writing, new appreciations for the world around me, and most importantly of all, he took care of my best friend when she needed somebody and I couldn’t be there (I met him through her).  We still talk very occasionally, and every time I wonder what on Earth I ever thought I had in common with him.  We disagree on so much, and he’s stubborn in a way I could have never handled, yet I know in the grand scheme of things, he truly is one of the good ones.

It’s a weird thing, having a concrete written history of the things you said to somebody, the things they said back.  It tells you who you were, maybe even who you hoped to be.

I didn’t make it too far into those 166 messages.  I still know many of them like the back of my hand, anyway.

But I did find something I thought I might share with you.  The reason we started really writing back and forth was because he knew I was a songwriter/lyricist, and he was a prose/poet.  It started as an artists’ collaboration to share ideas and critique in a safe environment.

This was the first piece of writing I sent to him.  It was originally meant to turn into a song, but it never did.  I don’t think I could write the music now, but I do still like the words.  In fact, they seem more relevant than ever.

if ever i walk in the sunlight
with snow melting, catching the beams
mittens on hands, happy bright eyes
splashing through dirty street streams

if ever i’m there in the morning
the air crisp and fresh as can be
you’ll be with me, spirit or body
shining in my memory

if ever you call through the distance
through wind and water and sand
i’ll hear in your voice a heart beating
and longingly reach out my hand

if ever we come back together
if ever the fear dissipates
i’ll be courageous, i promise
silently thanking the fates

if ever you look past the surface
see in me what i see in your face
i will be yours in sincerity
in body, in spirit, in grace.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. April 22, 2009 10:32 pm

    that was beautiful.

    and in all your time on FB today, you made my day just a little better.

    xoxoxo

  2. mian permalink
    April 23, 2009 12:13 am

    I WANT TO SHARE YOUR COMMENTS. I WANT TO TALK YOU PLEASE CONTACT ON THIS NUMBER 00923234063908

  3. April 23, 2009 7:23 am

    That guy’s totally legit, I’m sure.

    I read your poem to the tune of, roughly, Danny Boy. It worked, actually.

  4. verybadcat permalink
    April 23, 2009 2:02 pm

    So yesterday you made me smile on FB, and today this made me smile here………

    Thanks! ;)

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