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Because I Love To

April 27, 2009

Do you know what I love?

Songwriting.

(I’ll wait while you overcome your shock.

Okay now? Good.)

I’m not really very efficient about anything.  I’m not efficient about doing my hair in the morning, cleaning the bathroom, I’m not even efficient about writing a damn blog post.  Three lines here, a paragraph there, and then “oh, my facebook tab has been neglected for 67 seconds! the horror!”

See? you didn’t know it, but just there I was checking twitter.

I can not focus on any one thing for ANY amount of time.  It’s why I suck at running, it’s why the house is never clean all at once, it’s why it takes me three months to get through a book that should take a week.  But if you sit me down in front of my piano or put a guitar or a ukulele in my hands, I can entertain myself for hours.

Hours.

I’ve heard over and over again that to be really successful in life, you have to do what you’re passionate about.  The money will follow.

Well, I have one true passion, and that’s music.
(well, okay, two passions. the second is crushing on boys, but that’s only because i need something to write the songs about, you know? ha.)

I’m having a hard time finding a better paying job even though I really need one because, let’s face it, the job I have now is just enough to get me out of the house on a somewhat regular basis and otherwise lets me sit around with a notebook and a pen in hand and melodies swimming in my head.

I’m too damn happy for my own good.

I grew up wanting to be a singer, a performer, the girl with the tour bus and the hair and the microphone.  While I still love performing, I don’t see myself ever being the big headlining act.  I mean, if I was offered a good deal and things progressed into that, at this point I can’t say I’d turn it down, but to find a steady gig in a place or two, to sit on a stool with a microphone and a guitar and maybe a fiddle player sitting next to me?  Yes. I’ll sing the songs I wrote in high school and I’ll sing the songs I wrote last week and maybe I’ll even get to sing the song I wrote that Carrie Underwood got a hold of and made huge (a girl can dream, right?). I’ll do it to a room of 50 people.  I’ll do it to a room of five people. It won’t matter because it’ll be the songs making me money, and I’ll just be up there singing because I love to.

But I’m too scatterbrained.  I’ve got the focus when I’m sitting down to write the song but once it’s done, I don’t know where to go with it.  I’m not sure if I should be focusing my energy on trying to get these songs heard or if I should be spending my time trying to find a “grown-up” job.  I’m torn between what’s really right for me RIGHT NOW, how I should be spending my time, and so I ended up doing a whole lot of nothing.  I can’t focus.

The stupid part is that if I just stopped worrying about it and wasting time, I’d have plenty of time to do both.

But I’m torn in too many directions all at the same time and nothing ever has my full attention.

I don’t really know if I’m asking for advice or if I’m just trying to sort things out in my head right now.  The truth is, though, something needs to change and it needs to happen quickly.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 27, 2009 6:11 pm

    The inner battle – I’ve been there! Trust your gut girl and you’ll be exactly where you need to be ;)

  2. May 4, 2009 12:33 pm

    that’s a tough one. pursuing what you love, or finding a job that pays well. i guess ideally they would be one and the same, but when singing and songwriting is what you love, that’s a little harder to make happen.

    i guess as long as you keep pursuing your music, there’s no harm in finding a better paying job.

    wow, this comment doesn’t really help at all. sorry :o( best of luck to you though!

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