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Got an Old Man?

May 20, 2009

I don’t remember the last time I was so skeezed out.  Really.

I was working and I’d just been “trained in” in a new section of the store (“you were told you had to be trained in over here? uh… do you know how to untangle necklaces? okay. go for it.”) and was headed back that way with a handful of stuff to put away.  I passed the front desk on the way and saw a guy in his early-to-mid twenties asking for an application.  It’s not that we don’t have guys working at our store, but they are certainly the minority, so I was a little curious.  I stopped to pick up a few more things as he told my manager he’d fill the application out and bring it back later.  She nodded.  He walked away.

But as I grabbed the scarf and the handbag laying there and walked away myself, I was following in the general direction he’d walked in.  I wasn’t far behind.  Watching him wasn’t even a conscious choice; he was just in front of me.

Except he was acting really weird.  Like… possibly like a shoplifter?  Except shoplifters are usually a little more discreet about their indiscretions.  He was just walking in circles, not paying attention to where he was going, into corners, pretty much off in LaLa Land.

I considered approaching him to ask if I could help him find anything, since, you know, the way to deal with potential shoplifters is give them the best possible customer service you can muster.  Serve the hell out of them.  But as soon as he saw me looking, he walked straight up to me.

And then he got all up in my personal space.

I am not okay with people I don’t know in my personal space, thank you.  Especially when those people have bathed in some rancid Creepy McCreeperson cologne.

“Hey baby, what’s your name?”

This guy wasn’t even all there, I’m telling you.

“Courtney,” I said with all the disinterest I could muster.

“Courtney, you got an old man?”

Now, to me an “old man” is a dad.  Right?  I don’t know.  I mean, my dad’s not old but he is older than me and he’s, well, a man.  And it’s not like I call him that.  I call him dad or daddy or even sir on occasion.  I can’t recall ever calling him “old man.”  I can’t recall ever calling anyone “old man.”

But I couldn’t imagine why he’d be asking me if I had a father, so I let out a very intelligent sounding, “huh?”

“Boyfriend.  You got a boyfriend?”

People call their boyfriends “old man?”  Where have I been?
Oh. Not in the trailer park, that’s where.

So I did the only thing I could think to do.
I pulled out my dreamy-eyed face.

“Oh yeah.  Yes.  boyfriend. Sigh.”

His face fell.
“So I can’t call you?”

I almost laughed but I gagged on his cologne as I tried to inhale.
“NO.”

“I can’t?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“SO sure.”

He paused.

“But I saw you looking at me.”

“Sorry I gave you the wrong idea,” I said. “My boyfriend, he doesn’t like other guys calling me, you know.”

He turned around and strutted away like, “Whatever, she’s got the hots for me, she just don’t wanna admit it.”

And then I ran to the bathroom and nearly lost the pop tart I ate on my break.

I’ve got a pretty good feeling this guy isn’t going to get hired, if he even bothers to fill out the application, but just in case he comes back through the store, I just have to ask…

Anyone wanna come hang around and pretend to be my boyfriend?

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7 Comments leave one →
  1. May 20, 2009 10:28 pm

    Uggggggggggggh. Yuck.

  2. May 20, 2009 10:50 pm

    Ew. Ew. Ew.

    I’ll come pretend to be your boyfriend. It might confuse him a little, but I can be scary when I want to…

  3. May 21, 2009 6:48 am

    Ew, I hate creepy guys.

  4. mary evelyn permalink
    May 21, 2009 8:21 am

    eww. creepy guys need not apply.

  5. May 21, 2009 12:48 pm

    well as creeped out as i am for you, i can’t help but giggle over the line “Oh, yeah. Yes. Boyfriend. Sigh.” you crack me up, bb.

    i’m assuming you talked to your mgr and said “dude is creepy. no hire.” :)

    <# you!

  6. May 21, 2009 1:37 pm

    “You got an old man?”

    “Me? Oh, yeah… yes. Yes, I do. He’s actually being released from prison to-DAY! Can you imagine the coincidence, of you asking, I mean– on the actual DAY he’s being released from Attica for thirteen counts of murder and abusing-a-corpse?

  7. May 21, 2009 7:29 pm

    yes. yes i do. :)

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