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Equations of Life and Love

July 3, 2009

I have spent the last few days seriously catching up with a friend from my college days.

My early college days.

I’ve been in the midst of a story worthy of telling for the past year, at least, and it has finally found its end.  Sadly, it’s a story that will not ever be told here, out of respect for the people involved, but it has most certainly been alluded to.  A few of you know the gory details of it all.  Trying to find a way to finish it for each of you has not been an easy task.  I still haven’t found a way to reveal the ending to all of you, though I promised I would days ago.  When different details are thrown here and there and different perceptions come into question, much sorting must be done before I can finally piece everything together to show you the final, complete picture.

But the first time I’d spoken to this friend in probably years was a mere two to three weeks ago, and all she knew of the story was that there was a story to tell.

And so last night, I got to tell the story from beginning to end.

It’s funny talking to people you knew so long ago.  You may feel like you’ve changed, grown, learned from your mistakes.  They’ll come right back in and say, “Oh, you are SO Courtney.”

And you’ll realize that you really are the same girl you’ve always been.

She really had quite a bit to say about the story, much of which I could tell you but wouldn’t make sense without the context of the other stories we’ve been telling and other friends’ lives we’ve been catching each other up on.  But this?  This really said something to me:

I’m impressed by the story, the dedication, so unsurprised though. It’s you, you’ve always believed in the power of love, always put yourself out there. Always found yourself somewhere where you’re busy, dedicated, and more important to the formula than you realized at first.

And she mentioned Fiddler, who is one of my very best friends, but he didn’t start out that way.  Oh no, he started out as an insanely intense crush.  He suffered through my crazy jealous girl antics, he let me yell and fight when I had no justification to do so.  I have never been such a crazy bitch as when I thought I was in love with that boy, and yet, he kept me around.

Because I’m lucky.

Because it was all a little more important to the formula than either one of us realized.

Although, I have to say looking at that situation and looking at my current situation, I do have to say I have grown up.

Thank God.

But what really made me smile, what really made me believe I was good to go, find, conquer, and keep on living and loving, was this:

The last thing you said about being picky…honey you always have been.  There was Fiddler and Actor, right? They were the perfect ones, and this guy was perfect too…


I always seem to think I’ve found perfection.  It’s why I hold on to it (well, there are other reasons which I’m sure I’ll get to soon enough) when i know there’s that 6 in 10 chance I’m going down.

But that song I wrote more than a year ago?  Better Not Settle?  I wasn’t thinking this way when I wrote it, but it works, you know?  I have never settled for less than I had (or even wished I’d had) the last time.  Every single time, I think, no– someone more perfect could not possibly exist.

I seem to keep finding them.

And thus begins yet one more journey.  The new story begins now.

Or maybe it’s already begun and I just don’t know it yet.

One Comment leave one →
  1. July 3, 2009 9:33 pm

    Sometimes it’s tough accepting the end of one thing as it’s always the segue into something else.

    I am a firm believer that nothing is an accident – especially not people – and that each story of yours has a relevant place in your life, if for nothing else to reveal something about yourself – and you seem to have grasped that here – and then to enable you to move forward with your life.

    It’s powerful and overwhelming and bittersweet all at once, but it’s such a part of this whole growing up thing that we fight, and that happens to us either way.

    You’ve got a big, big heart. I recognize it because I see a LOT of myself at your age in you.

    Lead with that giant love-filled heart of yours, but always protect it. :)

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