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Who I am and Who I’ll be…

July 14, 2009

I wrote this on March 25, 2009.  For some reason I don’t remember, I decided against posting it.  Now, though, I like it and can’t see why you shouldn’t read it too.

In the same way “they” say love comes when you’re least expecting it, I suspect so does self-awareness.

Were you even one of those people watching the world around you seeing a million things you loved about everyone else, wishing you had just that one thing that made you you? Because I was.

In high school I had a friend who always had her hair cut really short- and one day she showed up with bright blue highlights all over her head.  All of those gleaming strands of blue- and she was the only one.  Somebody else pulled off the bright red lipstick like most of us could only dream, others had their humor, their catchphrase, their… something.

I wanted a something, but it seemed to me that deciding something would be My Something was just trying way too hard, and I went through high school without it.  I went through a lot of college without it.

And then one day I realized that I didn’t have A Something and I might never have A Something and most of the people around me didn’t have A Something either.  We all had lots of little Somethings and they weren’t Somethings we consciously decided we’d have, they were Somethings we’d come by naturally.  Somethings of which most of us weren’t even aware.

I wore scarves in my hair.  I sang. I tattooed my foot, pierced my nose, and dyed purple streaks into my hair.  I was The Songwriter, the one who holed up in music center classrooms to sing and fifteen minutes later had accumulated a small audience which consisted of a friend or two, somebody they brought in with them, and someone just walking down the hall who had to see what was going on after hours.  I was the oboe player when I didn’t want to be, I was the one to go to when music theory got too hard and Dr. P wasn’t in his office.  I was loathed.  I was Switzerland.  I was a hand to hold and a hand that needed holding.

I was a million little Somethings.

Some of those Somethings have changed.  I don’t wear scarves in my hair.  Nobody’s asking me for help with homework.  I never play oboe anymore, and I don’t miss it.  There is no more purple to be found in my hair- in fact, it’s all natural.

But I still sing.  I still love my tattoo and can’t imagine taking this sparkly little thing out of my nose.  I am indeed still The Songwriter, and though I don’t accumulate audiences nearly as often as I used to, when the circumstances are right, it still happens occasionally.

Not only that, but I’ve been told that I’m The Brave One.  The Pretty One. The Driven One.  The Accomplished One.

I’m not sure I believe any of that, but you know, if you want to think so, I’ll let you.

The thing is, I searched for a really long time, trying to figure out who I was.  I already knew who I was. I always did.  I was just too scared to be that person.  And in some ways, I still am.  I’m still learning to be who I am- to bring the woman inside of me up to the surface, put this little girl to rest.

And there are even parts of me that I’m not quite sure about yet- I don’t know who I am.  And I’m scared of what I might find out.

The unknown is tricky.

But I know more understanding is on my way.

Who are you?  What are some of your little Somethings?

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. July 14, 2009 9:27 am

    My somethings are definitely my unique relationship, my writing, my optimism, and my absolute adoration for music and art : )

    Nice post btw. I had pink highlights in my hair in high school!

  2. July 14, 2009 11:41 am

    I’m the hippy girl. I’m the freckled girl. I’m the smart girl. I’m the music girl. I’m the shy girl. I’m the tree-hugger.

    I like this post a lot.

  3. July 14, 2009 12:11 pm

    That is true Courtney. I find the saying “I don’t know who I am. I need to find myself.” is the biggest bullshit out there. Everyone knows who they are but they’re just too afraid to be themselves. Once you embrace yourself and accept you who are, then you can be extremely happy and live your life to the fullest

  4. July 14, 2009 1:39 pm

    I think people should be comfortable not trying to know who they are because the surprise self-awareness you so accurately describe comes as a nice epiphany.

    btw, I’m Nico. That’s about it. :P

  5. November 5, 2011 2:58 pm

    I ended up on your blog because I did a search for the title of my blog…a million little somethings. I know this is an old post and I kinda feel weird commenting because of it, but I loooooved what you had to say here!! :) Thank you for posting this…I am about to go read some newer entries of yours now. :)

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