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Lucky

September 10, 2009

I was talking to my mom on the phone yesterday.

I had already called my brother and my dad.  I had randomly decided I wanted to understand sonic booms– yeah yeah, you break the sound barrier, I know, but what actually causes the SOUND?– and I’d have rather had it explained to me than searching through internet resources and trying to understand scientific jargon I hadn’t had to look at since, well… never?

I took lots of Biology in school.

But after about a half hour on the phone with my dad, who admitted straight up that he could make an educated guess but wasn’t going to guarantee accuracy so maybe I should just give in and consult the internet, and then proceeded to talk about school and work and my brother and Christmas and the MN State Fair and other entertaining things, I realized that since he had class that night, my mom might be home alone, and what the heck?  I’ve already talked to the rest of my family today, let’s make a marathon out of it.

So I called, and she was distracted so I did more talking than she did.

I’m pretty good at carrying on one-sided conversations, though.

So there I am, sprawled out on the couch, talking about this and that when I ask, “Hey, did you know Kacey got married?”

She didn’t.

So we talked about Kacey.  And then we talked about how this friend and that had gotten engaged, married, had a baby or two already.

My girl friends, with very few exceptions, have all paired off.

Started families.

Started this American sort of life.  Jobs.  Houses.

Stability?

Yeah.

At very least, the ones who are “left over” have pretty serious boyfriends.

I understand that nothing is easy on ANY of us right now.

But it seems like everyone else has this piece of what I’ve always wanted and to me it has never seemed so distant, so out of reach.  Like I might have it someday but I just can’t even imagine how I’d get there.  How long it will be.

And it’s not even that I’m so desperate for it at this very moment, but it makes me feel separated in a big way from all these girls that I grew up with, these girls I’ve always shared my stages of life with.  We all moved on, you know, moved out, moved away, but we were all still basically in the same places in our lives until terribly recently.

And even though I know I’ll always be a part of this big group of amazing ladies because of our pasts, our presents don’t really match up and in that way I feel like I don’t really belong anymore.

I didn’t say most of this to my mom, but I didn’t have to.  She knows me.

And all she said was,

“Courtney, you’ve never been like everyone else.”

And she’s right.

I don’t know how many girls suddenly decide to call their baby brothers in hopes of understanding the phenomena of physics.

And I know I’m not alone.  I do have friends I’ve made along the way who are here with me– in spirit and in location.

How did a girl like me get this lucky?

I don’t know.

I don’t need to know, but I do need to remember.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. September 10, 2009 2:57 pm

    Wow. I could have written this post at this exact moment in time.

  2. cari permalink
    September 10, 2009 3:19 pm

    ready for the lamest comment ever?

    it’ll happen when you LEAST expect it.

    yeah, i know. that was lame. and i’m sorry. but you know it’s true too and so i guess that makes me feel a tiny bit less bad about leaving that. and the fact that things have been rumbling around in my brain for a while. maybe i should write them down and then i wouldn’t be so bothered by them.

  3. September 10, 2009 3:23 pm

    me too. love you.

  4. September 10, 2009 4:26 pm

    love you times a billion. you ARE one of the lucky ones, never forget it.

  5. September 10, 2009 8:56 pm

    Well said sweetie. Well said. I decided (and love, actually) that I’m kind of undateable right now. A billion things are up in the air and I need to make those decisions without worrying about the Other Half, otherwise I’ll never really know if I did them for me or not.

    Keep kickin’ ass. And when you want to know random facts about wine or flying standby or what antidisestablishmentarianism actually MEANS, let me know. Random facts are fun to share :)

  6. fbg permalink
    September 11, 2009 8:56 am

    I guess I have a few comments:

    (1) I’m in the boat with you, too.
    (2) I’m a looker-upper (and a former physics major), so if you want to know about sonic booms…
    (3) In response to Doniree in the previous comment, about 15 years years ago I memorized the Webster’s definition of “antidisestablishmentarianism” during a [basketball] game of PIG-turned-HORSE-turned-HIPPOPOTAMUS. I can’t seem to forget that definition.

  7. September 11, 2009 5:56 pm

    I couldn’t agree with you more. I can 100 percent relate to this post – my best friend, BEST friend is getting married next week AND she just found out she’s pregnant. She couldn’t be happier. And I couldn’t be happier for her! But we’re in two totally different places – I don’t even have a boyfriend. I’m hardly DATING! We’re the same age. Discouraging. But, I suppose we all have to remember each and every one of us is different, and just because we may not have the “happy ever after” right now, doesn’t mean we won’t in our own time.

  8. mary evelyn permalink
    September 14, 2009 9:33 am

    i know what you mean. half of my close friends are about where i am in life, and the other half are pairing up and settling down. and it’s weird to think that we’re starting to move off of that path we all started in high school.

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