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September 17, 2009

The other night I posted these two thoughts pretty much back to back on Twitter:

  • doesn’t it feel to you like when someone dies the WHOLE WORLD should just STOP? just for a little while…
  • sometimes the mediocre way a person treats you is only highlighted by someone else being completely unexpectedly awesome. Reevaluation.

News of Patrick Swayze’s death had just been reported.  People were talking about the Gossip Girl season premier.

Obviously a person can’t actually be offended by that but it just seems a little unfair.  That we can’t just push pause for a second or two while we readjust to the world minus one enormous soul.

If we did we’d be in a perpetual state of still motion.  I guess that’s why things are the way they are.

And obviously that thought wasn’t only about Patrick Swayze.

But the second thought looks a little unrelated, right?  At that point it was but looking back at it now, it’s completely clear that my mind was still in the same place.

I feel a little let down lately and I’m not sure I have the right to feel that way, so I don’t say anything and I don’t make a scene and I try not to make assumptions or excuses, on my part or on the other.  It’s wonderful to be reminded of the incredible friends you have but sometimes that reminder actually stings because it reminds you of friendships you had in certain people or maybe just thought you had.  It sharpens the contrast between the two.   Sometimes things in life happen that you need help working through, and sometimes you reach to a specific person for a specific reason, and sometimes that person flat out ignores the call.

Just completely disregards it.

All the while, the world is turning and there’s no stopping it and you have to figure out how to keep living and breathing and it doesn’t feel right, going to work like nothing happened, telling everyone you’re fine, or really not saying anything at all because you’re not giving anybody a reason to believe you’re not okay, even though you’re not okay.

No one but that one person.  That one person you need for that ONE reason and that one person is just. not. there.

And I am okay.

I think I always was okay.

But in the end I was losing more than I was aware I’d lost, and that’s where this is coming from.

Because maybe I never had it?  Or maybe things have just changed.  Maybe too much has happened.

Maybe life is crazy.


4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 17, 2009 10:56 am

    stop being the same person as me.

    seriously…I wanted to say something meaningful in reply, but you literally said it all.

  2. September 17, 2009 2:31 pm


    But in the end I was losing more than I was aware I’d lost, and that’s where this is coming from.

    Because maybe I never had it? Or maybe things have just changed. Maybe too much has happened.

    Maybe life is crazy.

    You just absolutely nailed my angst in the past few months. The conclusion I came to? I never really had it. I just thought I did. But now I know what *almost* looks like, so I’ll see it for what it is this time around….


  3. September 17, 2009 3:40 pm

    Human motion never really stops. And when humanity, as a group, keeps moving forward, and you take the time to slow down (smell the roses, tie your shoe, take a breather, etc.), it does feel insensitive for the rest of them to not wait up. But the mass is unfeeling, and no one person can answer for all of the human machine.

    I personally can definitely use a slow-down. But nothing of the sort is happening. Maybe it’s worth it to slow down and catch up later despite the effort it takes to stop and then start up again more quickly to match pace.

    On second thought, maybe “maybe” isn’t even really applicable, and things just “are”.

    I think you broke my brain with this post, Courtney.

  4. September 24, 2009 3:44 am

    Yes. Sometimes the world should just stop. So that the life we lost or the trauma that happened or changes that must take place can sink it. So that we can take a moment to cope, deal, reflect.

    The world doesn’t give us that luxory though. It’s a rude thing the world does. Usually because of that the person we need doesn’t answer. Isn’t there. They don’t need we need them.

    How often is it us that doesn’t answer?

    Courtney my dear. I needed this. I needed you to write it. I needed to think about it. Thanks.

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