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The Journey

December 15, 2009

It’s not really so different.  I thought maybe it was completely different, but it’s not.  Not at all.

I’ve been reading back through archives.  I’ve got a bit of a project happening at the moment and part of that project is deciding whether or not to keep the past open for business or to lock it up and mention it when I’m comfortable doing so.  It’s not that there’s anything incriminating going on in my archives… it’s just that they’re not me anymore.

Or so I tend to think.

But then I start reading them and I realize that maybe while my surroundings change, I never do.  Maybe taking these archives down and labeling them The Past; A Person I Used To Be, is not only unfair but inaccurate.

Maybe I’m lying to myself.

The act of dating with no known expiration date is something I haven’t done since the very beginning of college.  Even then, I was always aware that the relationships would expire, I just didn’t know when.  For some reason, I made it a habit of dating guys I never really intended to fall in love with.

I think I was tired of being hurt.

I eventually got over that and started dating guys I knew I could fall in love with.  I knew they were wonderful, amazing men with whom I’d be lucky to spend my time and maybe even my life.  But I STILL knew it would NEVER happen (deep down, anyway) because of the circumstances we always found ourselves in.  One of us is leaving town.  One of us is graduating.  We never lived in the same zip code to begin with.

Now, all I seem to find are men who are completely content with spending time with me and telling me beautiful things but still “aren’t looking for girlfriends.”

It’s not all that terrible and dramatic and many of you know I’m currently dating someone and I know that last comment didn’t come out sunshine and rainbows but it’s mostly a general overview of the past few months, maybe the last year, of My Life And Men.  I’m becoming a little jaded.

And even though this thing is moving slowly, even though we’re both terribly busy and have our own lives to deal with, even though the possibility of geographical separation is coming into play yet again, even though there is no guarantee this will ever become more than it already is and neither of us is pretending there is, there is still the possibility, after all of that, that it could last.

But the caution and the apprehension, the daily reminder to myself that I’d best not be holding my breath… it’s reminding me too much of those situations that were doomed from the moment they started, and it’s taking some of the magic away.  I’m finally at a point in my life where I shouldn’t have to run and I shouldn’t have to sabotage situations that might otherwise tie me down.

Is to hope for more, though you know it may be months or even years before you get it, though you know that hope could be shattered mere weeks from this moment… is it foolish?

Or should I stop worrying and enjoy every moment I have with someone who makes me laugh and understands where I came from and has so much to teach me about music and life and myself?

Am I letting the past repeat itself, or am I just being brave?

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10 Comments leave one →
  1. December 15, 2009 5:25 pm

    I think you should leave your archives open. Maybe it’s good for you, and interesting for your readers, to look back and see how far you’ve come… because I’m sure you have come a long way.

  2. December 15, 2009 5:27 pm

    I don’t think it’s foolish. Enjoy it. You’re being, as I would say, a Brave Little Toaster.

  3. December 15, 2009 10:56 pm

    I’m going through the same thing, in a way. Waiting for a payoff that could be years coming. I wish I had some sage advice, but I’m in the thick of it, and it is a daily struggle. Like me, though, I imagine you know whether it’s worth it or not.

  4. Kendall permalink
    December 16, 2009 12:21 am

    I am in a similar place to where you are (such is the life of a college student) so I understand a bit of where you’re coming from. After my women troubles of the summer, I was jaded so my current relationship is moving very slowly. It seems like the trick is to keep yourself from second-guessing yourself into self-sabotage.

    Or so it seems to be but I’m just 21. What do I know? -shrugs-

  5. December 16, 2009 9:53 am

    I’ve never consciously been protective of my feelings; that is, I simply do what feels right at a given moment in a relationship, and I’ve never regretted it. Sure, there might be pain later, but it goes away, and for me the pain has never even come close to making my experience as a whole a negative one. Being free and careless and possibly hopeful is better than any badness I’ve ever experienced. I think I might be in the minority, though.

    As for closing your archives, I think you should if there’s a specific reason you don’t want a piece of information known. But it really doesn’t matter a whole lot. Without your blog you’re still the same person; deleting it doesn’t change your past.

  6. December 16, 2009 1:52 pm

    You can hope. You should absolutely enjoy the present.

    Courtney, my love, my heart….

    ….what you shouldn’t do is let the noise in your own mind get so loud that it drowns out his voice and words.

    I’m having similar issues with my own archives. On one hand, it is a part of my life and my story. On the other hand, I’m not absolutely sure that it needs to be so publicly available….

    xoxo

  7. cari permalink
    December 17, 2009 10:56 am

    i think that it’s completely natural to wonder, to worry, to be jaded. no one is going to judge you for it, at least no one worth your time, and if he’s worth anything, even if it does end, it doesn’t necessarily have to be awful.

    i would say enjoy it. every moment. to say ‘don’t worry if it ends’ is a waste of time because we can’t help it. to like someone or love someone comes with that worry whether it is friends or lovers. will this person someday not have time for me and me not have time for them? it’s entirely possible.

    will you and i someday drift apart, separated by miles and states, consumed with our busy lives and where they take us? it’s possible. will i someday look back and say ‘i wonder what courtney’s up to?’ it’s possible. it doesn’t mean that i’m going to not enjoy every moment that i get to read your words, talk to you on gchat or have a far too infrequent phone conversation. or dream of visiting you in TN. do i hope that we never get too busy for each other? absolutely. do i acknowledge that it’s possible, though? absolutely.

    could it be the same for this boy/man/guy? absolutely.

  8. kateamcconnell permalink
    December 17, 2009 11:58 am

    ohhhhhhhhhhhhh baby. I have no answers for you, but boy do I know what you’re talking about. I was recounting the DB situation to a good friend from back in the Tundraland, and I swear I said the exact same things – only it was in hindsight.

    That doesn’t mean I think you should assume your situation will end up the same as my DB situation. Just that I’m soooo with ya.

  9. December 17, 2009 8:02 pm

    Completely relate to this. 100%. Also because I was reading through my archives today.

    Right now I’m the guy who will say beautiful things to a girl but isn’t interested in dating. A few months ago I was the guy who wished to get married. I can relate from both sides of the field. The hardest part is trying to find a balance between enjoying now and preparing for the future. I’ve spent the past two years completely preparing for the future, and in turn I forgot about now. I spent the time trying to find the girl that would be perfect to have a great life with eventually, even if she wasn’t right now. I hurt a lot of girls and was hurt a lot in the process.

    Hopefully it helps, but the best advice I have is if you’re enjoying what you have and it has the potential to work, ride it out.

  10. December 18, 2009 6:54 pm

    Adding an echo to the chorus, I also say ride it out the way it is and don’t think about the future since that comes soon enough.

    Even if the past repeats itself, it’s your past repeating itself in new situations and with new people and in new places. Eventually, one of those will stick. And there’s no point in trying to figure out which one does stick.

    It’s all trial and error.

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